I used to enjoy a good beat and a catchy melody just like anybody else. That was before these Able Planet headphones showed me the truth.

Yes, not so long ago you’d find me mindlessly bobbing my head along to the latest pop hits just like anybody else on the #34 bus. I didn’t see any harm in it. I didn’t see that my pop music addiction was destroying me. But then, a slave never sees his chains.

OK, yeah, most slaves do. But I was going for shock value with that metaphor, not accuracy.

The point is, one day my old headphones crapped out, so I bought a pair of Able Planet Clear Harmony Headphones to replace them. No big deal, I thought – but on the ride home that day, my life changed forever. I was grooving to the 1991 hit “Motownphilly” by Boyz II Men, like I’d done so many times. But thanks to the active noise cancellation of my new headphones, I heard it like I never had before. And though I’d never noticed it before, wafting through its propulsive new jack swing beat was an unmistakably sinister whisper:

“Eat cake frosting out of the can until you want to vomit. Eat cake frosting out of the can until you want to vomit.”

I was stunned. The ethereal voice was describing my routine at least three nights a week. I grabbed my MP3 player and selected another favorite, the Deep Blue Something classic “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. I heard not just a lite-grunge Adult Album Alternative anthem – I heard another disturbing, insistent whisper:

“Pageant Place marathon. Pageant Place marathon. Pageant Place marathon. Pageant Place marathon.”

My mind reeled. No! It couldn’t be – and yet it was! All of my time-wasting, self-destructive habits were the result of subliminal messages planted deep in my favorite pop hits! Although I wondered how Deep Blue Something could’ve possibly known about a reality TV show fifteen years before the show ever aired, the realization was strangely comforting. I wasn’t really a superficial, lazy, boring slob. It was all the music’s fault! And without my Able Planet Clear Harmony Headphones, I never would’ve known. All I had to do to turn my life around was stop listening to music.

Or so I thought. Turns out the years of subliminal conditioning have probably ruined me forever. I just can’t stop eating garbage, watching garbage, and thinking garbage. But I can do one thing: make sure this never happens to anybody else. So try these Able Planet Clear Harmony Noise-Cancelling Headphones. You’ll see the damaging effect that subliminal music messages have had on your life, and maybe break their hold while there’s still time. It’s too late for me. But please, tell the world my story.

Back to top