“I see our special guest has awoken. Refreshed, I hope?”

“Nefarski, you syphilitic madman. Untie me right now and perhaps Her Majesty won’t turn your hirsute carcass into a rug for her sitting-room.”

“Is this that British politeness I’ve heard so much about? No, I’m afraid I must trouble you to stay for awhile. You see, my people have put so much work into preparing for your arrival, it wouldn’t be fair to them to cut your visit short.”

“You make a lousy cat, Nefarski. And I’ve never been the type the play the role of mouse. What’s your game?”

“Simply this. I understand you have become aware of Operation: White Earbud?”

“Of course. Your insane plot to control the youth of the Free World through sleeper devices marketed as Apple iPods. Dastardly with a capital B.”

“Thank you. I was rather proud of it myself. I will build my private army of the young and the gullible, luring them in with 30GB of storage space, a 2.5”, 320×240 screen, and the ineffable gossamer quality known as ‘cool’ – just as a spider uses honey to catch a fly.”

“Your grasp of entomology is as weak as your disfigured left hand, Nefarski.”

“We all have our crosses to bear. But no matter. The children of the West will be my left hand. Once they have financed my operation through their purchases of iPods and accessories like docking video players with larger screens, I’ll throw the master switch. As one, their minds will open to my brainwaves. Their taut young muscles will leap to do my bidding. Their firm, supple bodies – but enough about that. More germanely to you, I have arranged for you to help me in my humble endeavor.”

“Help you? I’d sooner drink Diet Mountain Dew, you delusional gargoyle.”

“Oh, you will. Let me assure you, you will. But first, you see, while you were unconscious, I administered a serum engineered to completely remove all traces of sales resistance from the subject. In two minutes, at midnight, an iPod Video 30GB will appear on the screen before you. You will not be able to resist purchasing one. Then another. And another. And by the time you stop clicking from sheer exhaustion, you will have drained Her Majesty’s coffers into my own. Rather clever of me, wouldn’t you say?”

“Balderdash. You’ll have to release my hands first. Do you really expect me to waste my time on some annoying deal-a-day web site when the fate of the world hangs in the balance?”

“No, Agent 5G. I expect you to buy.”

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