Some people need everything fed to them on a spoon, in easy bite-size chunks. They haven’t figured out that AOL and the Internet are two different things. They take word-processing advice from Clippy. They think there’s only one way to download videos, and only one line of devices to watch them on. Take a moment to pity these poor souls, but only a moment. Because a web-savvy videophile like you has better things to do, like immersing yourself in the greatness that is the Archos AV500 30GB 4” Portable Media Player.

Reviewers everywhere have hailed the Archos AV500’s incredible picture, brilliant 4” widescreen LCD, and slender body, so we won’t bother repeating what they’ve said. Instead, we’ll point out that it plays a wide variety of video formats, from AVI to MPEG-4 to WMV, and it’s compatible with DivX and Xvid codecs. All those movies on your hard drive are aching to get out and wander around a little, and they don’t want to jump through some proprietary-software iHoop to get there. Same goes for your vast MP3 collection. If you know what torrents are and you know how to use them, the Archos AV500 is the player for you.

While we’re talking about this unit’s vast range of video-format options, we’ll casually mention that the included TV pod lets you record video directly from your TV, VCR, DVD player, cable box, or satellite receiver to the AV500. (Of course, audio recording is a snap, too.) If you’re in the mood to pay for stuff, the AV500 also lets you purchase, download, subscribe to, or rent protected video and music content from Microsoft PlaysForSure websites. And it works with fee-based music services like Yahoo! Music Unlimited and Napster To Go.

Whew! Give us a second here, we’re running out of breath.

OK, moving on…the AV500’s 30GB hard drive is big enough to hold hours upon hours of your most treasured chick flicks, docudramas, Hong Kong thrillers, and Bollywood epics, not to mention more songs and photos than any one human could possibly enjoy in one lifetime. Content loads easily thanks to the USB 2.0 interface – the AV500 can even act as a USB hub for direct file transfer from other powered USB devices, like your MP3 player or digital camera, no computer required. And the battery will play 15 hours of music or 5 hours of video on a single charge.

You know us, right? You know we don’t blow sunshine up your posterior. When a product is a piece of garbage, we say so. So we’re not just feeding you a line of BS when we say that the Archos AV500 does so many things, and does them so well, that we can’t believe it’s less than an inch thick. If Archos had one-tenth the marketing budget that certain of its competitors enjoy, you’d own one already.

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