Hello, and welcome to Trader John’s Cart of Wonders! Can I interest you in… oh, uh… hello there, Jack. How are you today, my boy?

Cow? What cow would that be? I get a lot of traffic from the village, you know, I can’t be keeping up with… OW! OW! OKAY, OKAY, I remember! I remember your stupid cow! Good heavens, Jack, where did you get that sword? What? A sewing needle? But how can that… oh, dear, I gave you the wrong beans, didn’t I?

Wait, wait, now Jack, everything’s fine, there’s no need to overreact. Hey, don’t you have a lot of gold? A goose, you say? And a harp? Well, that’s excellent! See, why should you be mad? You should be thanking me is what you should be- OW! OW! Fine, fine, just put the needle away, I’ll think of something.

Jack, cart policy is that I can’t give refunds, but… what about a trade? Here, if you give me back the original beans, I’ll give you these two Argus Bean Sprout Cameras. That’s right, a two pack! You’ll have a max 640 x 480 resolution and a 2MB built in, plus it comes with a USB cable, right in the box, for charging and image transfer. No, Jack, it’s not the kind of thing a professional would use, but you’re hardly a professional, are you? So how about it? Two great cameras, for use on vacations, or for office parties, or maybe a night out at the bar with your Facebook friends, or even if you’re looking to take some photos of a climbing trip so everyone will be impressed with how high up the beanstalk you went. Did you take pictures, Jack? No? Well, then, how do you expect anyone to believe your story?

Oh, right, right. The giant’s corpse sprawled out in the field behind your house. Hey, listen, if you’re looking to move that, I could ask around. All I’d need is a little finder’s fee and.. OW! OW! IT’S JUST BUSINESS, JACK, C’MON! OW! OW! OW!

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