Hey, Chad

Yeah, it’s been a while since we talked. How’ve you been? I’m glad the waiter gave my package to the right guy. For a minute I was worried I’d be talking to mutton-chops over there to your right.

Weird? Why is it weird? I wanted to have a conversation with you. So I left a parcel with the waiter containing the mate to my Cobra microTalk two-way radio and gave him instructions to give it to you after you ordered a drink. What do you mean “why?” Because I wanted to find out what’s new with you.

So, how’s your family?

Look, Chad, are we going to catch up? Or are you just going to keep asking about these Cobra microTalk radios? Fine, if you must know, I didn’t want to be closer than, say, a mile and a half from you. And these things are supposed to work at distances up to two miles, but you know how that is. Two miles of obstructionless desert valley on a clear day, maybe. So you’re seated comfortably at the café, and I’m… not too far away. But far enough.

No, actually I wasn’t comfortable giving you my phone number. This isn’t going to be an every-Wednesday kind of a thing, Chad, I just thought we could have one civil conversation because the last time I saw you, we parted on such…

Well, no, Chad, actually, they were pretty cheap. So you don’t have to hang onto it, or buy a charger or anything. We’re just going to use them this one time. Personally, I’m going to throw my radio away after I’m over and out. You can keep yours as a memento if you want, or just chuck it, I don’t care.

Come on, Chad, don’t be like that. We’re having one last normal conversation, and then we’ll be out of each other’s—IT IS NOT PERVERSE AND BIZARRE, IT’S A PERFECTLY PRACTICAL WAY TO COMMUNICATE. OH? THEN WHY DO TRUCKERS USE THEM, CHAD? ANSWER ME THAT. WHY DO TRUCKERS USE THEM?

Oh, Chad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why we bring out the worst in each other like this.

I guess nobody can hurt a person like his surgically separated former conjoined twin.

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