While you’re spending Cyber Monday buying consumer baubles from shifty deal-a-day web sites, I’ll be getting into the true spirit of the occasion by initiating my transformation into a cyborg.

That’s right. Large chunks of my flesh will soon be going the way of all flesh: down my garbage disposal. In its place, my accomplice Dr. Tony will instill an array of electronic and mechanical components that will render me as a god among men. Power supply permitting, of course.

I laugh at you meat-bots, sitting there transfixed by something as petty and puny as a Disney Flix Digital Video Camera. “Oooh, it’s got a flip-out 1.5” color TFT LCD! Wow, look at those VGA video images! Zut alors, is that 64MB onboard memory expandable with the SD card slot? Holy Toledo, the Magic Director storyboard scene mode with accompanying audio instructions would be perfect for little Kaelynne!” How insignificant human concerns seem to me now. Or they will, once Dr. Tony completes his work.

No worries there, either. You know all those technical schools you see advertised during the judge shows on daytime TV? Dr. Tony has attended all of them. Even graduated from one, I think.

Now that my cyberification is imminent, I almost feel a touch of sadness. Never again will I know the brutal pleasures of holiday shopping. Never again will I wonder at the simple marvels of electronic toys like the Disney Flix. Could this be a twinge of the feeling you humans call “regret”? Come on, Dr. Tony. Eradicate these messy, illogical emotions, that I may stride the Earth as a ruthless cyborg colossus.

Besides, I’ll have one of those Disney Flix Digital Video Cameras installed in my chest. So there.

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