Emu farming is the biggest sensation to hit America in years. And why not? Not only do these majestic flightless birds provide delicious meat and gorgeous leather, they’re also a lot of fun. But when your emus are out roaming a dusty field all day, how do you keep their feathers full and lustrous? With Emu Sheen, the first grooming product made specifically for emus. Using patented FeatheRevive technology, Emu Sheen will give your flightless friends the body and shine they need to look their-

Wrong copy, Ted.

Oh, for…what now?

You’re, uh, you’re reading the wrong copy. This is a spot for the eMachines T3626.

Yeah, Emu Sheen. That’s what I said. Couldn’t you hear that on your little headphones, genius?

No, not Emu Sheen. eMachines. It’s a computer.

A computer. Can I just tell you I’m sick to death of computers? That’s what I love about being out there with my emus. I can groom them, feed them, ride them, and there’s no bell dinging to let me know I’ve got mail. It’s just me and those magnificent birds. Can you understand that? Do you have a speck of humanity left in your soul or have you put it all on your floppy discs?

I’m sure it’s nice, but that’s not what this ad is about. We’re talking about a desktop PC with an AMD Sempron™ 3800+ 2.2GHz processor, 160GB hard drive, and 1GB of DDR2 dual-channel memory.

Can I ask you something? May I be so bold? May I?

Of course, Ted.

Do you know how to speak English? Really, do you? Because I was trying to tell you something, something very emotional about the deep connection between a man and his emus, and all you can do is spit alphabet soup back at me.

I can speak English, Ted. We’re all just trying to get the job done here.

Get the job done? Get the job done? I’ve been doing this for over thirty years and you’re telling me how to get the job done? Go twiddle a knob, you lousy little BLEEP! How dare you? How BLEEP dare you, BLEEP? I oughtta BLEEP come in there and show you what the BLEEP your BLEEP is for! Telling me how to BLEEP do my BLEEP job! Again and again and again! I wouldn’t BLEEP on you if your BLEEP BLEEP was on BLEEP fire!

You know what? I’m going to need some time to check some levels. Let’s take a couple of minutes.

Yeah, great. And get this down on your tape: BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP your mother BLEEP BLEEP sit on a BLEEP and BLEEP until it hurts! How was that BLEEP level?

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