No one’s going to take our semi-ironic Whitesnake cover band seriously unless our hair blows in the wind, man.

You guys can keep wasting money on junk like “instruments” and “amps” and “lessons.” I’ve got all I need right here: a Wind Blaster Portable Fan. All I need is four AA batteries and a place to set this sucker down and I can lean into all the epic, hair-tussling wind I can handle. It’s even got a swivel head so if I want more of a left-to-right breeze versus a straight-on climax wind I can adjust.

Don’t be stupid, Joey. No amps go to 11. This thing’s got three speeds, though. You guys would be absolutely lost without me, you know that? Music is about STYLE, not substance! All the important words have already been said! There was no point in trying after the Beatles, man. All anybody’s doing is redesigning the packaging! Besides, if we’re going to get out of Kenosha we’ve got to have a LOOK, man. Sure, you can hold the fan. Notice the soft rubber grip.

Hey! What are you doing?! The blades are soft too, that’s not going to work! Stop hitting me!

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