My interior-design clients don’t come to me for an understated look. A flair for the grandiose and kicky just seems to come naturally to dictators.

And that’s what’s great about working for the despots and tyrants of the world. They have strong ideas about what they want in a room, they’re not afraid to make bold statements, and you never have to worry about the budget. Whether it’s a home theater completely upholstered in tiger fur or a teakwood bathtub built for twelve with pearl inlays depicting scenes from the epic of Gilgamesh, when these clients want something, they get it.

But I always advise them to go subtle with one thing: their monitors. Sure, they could force some poor artisan to carve them a gigantic jade bust of Hercules with a monitor where each eye should be. It’s been done before. But I say, let the rest of the room do the talking. Take this Famous Brand 25.5” Widescreen LCD Monitor. You get something like this for its built-in webcam and card reader, its integrated desk lamp, its ambient light sensor that adjusts the screen settings based on the available light. Or, if you’re one of our younger tyrants, maybe because the 2 HDMI ports let you hook up both your Xbox 360 and your PS3. But not because it’s an atavistic symbol of unchallenged power and unlimited luxury. That’s what the taxidermied rhinoceros is for.

Of course, the customer is always right. Especially in my business. Recently, a client I cannot name demanded a dozen of these 25.5” LCDs installed at various heights along the walls of the replica Roman Colosseum he’d had built around his triangular rotating bed. Cheeky me, I raised the point that that arrangement might draw the eye away from the platinum-plated roller coaster, which really ought to be the natural centerpiece of the room. The disagreement was settled through the arbitration of the security police, who made quite a convincing case with a car battery and couple of well-placed clamps. As a token of his appreciation, the leader presented me with my very own official accomodations, free of charge. It’s a little chilly up here, but my tent is charming. And this rock quarry has enormous design potential.

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