“Private! The quality of tonight’s meal was an insult to the fighting men of the First Airborne Platoon!”

“Sir, I’m sorry, sir! I didn’t mean to disgrace the proud tradition of the FAP, sir!”

“Those steaks were so tough I thought I was eating my body armor! What do you have to say for yourself, soldier?”

“Sir, I’m sorry, sir! The steaks arrived this afternoon very tough and there wasn’t time to sufficiently tenderize them, sir!”

“Do you have the meat products for tomorrow’s mess, private?”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Then you are hereby ordered to stay up all night if necessary to ensure that they’re tender enough to be FAP-worthy! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sir, yes, sir! I’ll stay up all night beating the stale, dehydrated meat until it’s tender, sir! But one question, sir!”

“What is it, private?”

“Sir, what about lights out, sir?”

“You will use these Excalibur Forever Flashlights as needed for illumination! You will shake them vigorously in an up-and-down motion for five minutes of light! You will not need batteries or replacement bulbs! Do you copy, private?”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“You namby-pamby recruits make me sick, needing light to beat U.S. government-issued meat! In my day, we did it in the dark!”

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