A job interview is like a date. You dress up nice, try not to say anything stupid, and then there’s a reasonable chance you’ll end up screwed.

BOSS: Well, Schpraffner, I have to get HR’s sign-off before I can make any final decisions, but I have to say this was by far the most promising interview I’ve conducted for the position.

SCHPRAFFNER: Thank you for saying so, sir.

BOSS: The timing of these things can be a little unpredictable, but let’s say you ought to hear from me by end of day Wednesday, and you should go ahead and call if you haven’t.

SCHPRAFFNER: Thank you again, sir. I look forw-

TRUDY: Stop! Boss, stop! Don’t hire him!

BOSS: What—Miss Blurglemeier? What is the meaning of this?

TRUDY: Sorry to interrupt, boss, but you mustn’t hire this man! He isn’t what he seems!

BOSS: Why—Trudy, I—Schpraffner, I apologize for Miss Blurglemeier’s behavior. She’s not usually so… You know what? Actually, I take that back. This is what she’s almost always like.

TRUDY: Boss, this man has a secret agenda!

BOSS: A what?

TRUDY: He has a secret agenda! And I uncovered it!

SCHPRAFFNER: What? Sir, I…

BOSS: That’s a pretty serious accusation, Trudy. Can you back it up?

TRUDY: Of course I can! This is the agenda, right here! I found it in his briefcase!

SCHPRAFFNER: You what? You went through my briefcase?

TRUDY: And it’s a good thing I did, too! You were concealing your secret agenda from the boss!

BOSS: Schpraffner, what is all this? Is it true, that you came here with a secret agenda?

SCHPRAFFNER: I wasn’t—It’s not secret. It is private, though. And—I dunno, I think I’d call it a “planner,” myself.

BOSS: So you admit it! This handsome, compact, zip-up leather planner is your secret agenda!

SCHPRAFFNER: It—I—

BOSS: Yes or no?

SCHPRAFFNER: I—It—

BOSS: YES OR NO!?

SCHPRAFFNER: I… I suppose, in a very narrow, literal, and misleading sense, you could truthfully call this Franklin Covey Nappa leather binder my “secret agenda.”

BOSS, TRUDY: A-HA!

SCHPRAFFNER: But that’s just—I mean, it’s my planner. Look, it’s where I keep track of my appointments, and the business cards I coll-

BOSS: That will be just about enough of your silver-tongued deceptioneering, you duplicitous reptile!

SCHPRAFFNER: It—what?

BOSS: Out! Out with you! This firm has no need of moles, double agents, con men, or flim-flam artists! Begone!

SCHPRAFFNER: But it’s my binder, see? My calendar.

BOSS, TRUDY: OOOUUUUT!

SCHPRAFFNER: OK, OK. Uh, thank you for the opportunity. [Leaves.]

BOSS: Well done, Miss Blurglemeier. It looks as if you’ve saved the company once again.

TRUDY: Just doing my job, boss. Now, what say we hit the break room for some more hallucinogenic drugs?

BOSS: You read my mind! I mean, I think you actually read my mind. Do you have telepathic powers?

TRUDY: I dunno. Probably!

Back to top