The fools all thought I was crazy when I set up my computer in the coat closet just off the hallway. It was like they’d never seen anybody turn their desk surface into a miniature-scale replica of the land of Mordor before. “You can’t get any work done if you can’t even see your monitor,” went the brainless bleatings of mediocre minds. “And how can you control a computer from that far away, anyway?”

To the first objection, I say “My computer and I are so intimately connected that I don’t need to see the screen – I can sense it, the way a salmon can sense its way to a stream bed it hasn’t seen since it was born. I operate on a level beyond mere sight.” To the second, I say “Gyration Ultra Compact Keyboard Suite.”

With its 25-foot range and strong wireless signal, this mouse/keyboard set is ideal for your media center PC, or for browsing the web via TV-out on your big screen TV/projector setup, or for giving presentations. But higher-order beings like me use the mouse and keyboard as input devices for a telepathically-linked computer.

And verily, what noble input devices they are. The Gyration Ultra Mouse features motion-sensing technology, so instead of shoving it around on a mouse pad, I can pick it up and wave it dramatically around the office (the way I used to wave my katana around before the peasants in Human Resources made me take it home). And the accompanying Gyration Ultra Keyboard features every letter in the English language plus numbers, punctuation marks, and an array of hotkeys. Both pieces work up to 25 feet away from their transmitter with no line-of-sight limitations.

Best of all, they don’t take up much room on my desk, so there’s no need to disturb my plasticine model of the dark tower of Barad-Dur. And to anyone in Human Resources who might be considering writing me up for improper desk usage, remember: against the power of the Gyration Ultra Compact Keyboard Suite, there can be no victory.

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