You have taught us much, Haier Portable 7” LCD TV. Your all-in-one media capabilities, ranging from DVDs, CDs and TV to MP3s and FM/AM radio, teach us the lesson of inclusiveness. Your portability teaches us how to watch March Madness at the office. Your need for fine-tuning the TV reception teaches us the value of diligence. The fact that your analog TV tuner will be obsolete in 2009 teaches us to act quickly.

Let’s see: inclusiveness, March Madness, diligence, act quickly. That about covers it, lesson-wise…until we pop in a DVD copy of the 1976 blaxploitation/karate epic Black Samurai, starring Jim Kelly of Enter the Dragon fame. Then the lessons start flying like judo chops inside a supervillain’s compound. Here’s what we learned watching Black Samurai on our Haier Portable 7” LCD TV:

• Always wear a helmet while operating a jet-pack, even though it will muss your perfect Afro.
• If you’re going to pull a gun on Black Samurai, don’t do it within arm’s reach.
• A party just isn’t a party without a mariachi band, dancers in string bikinis, and a live vulture.
• Planning to snoop around an occult ritual ceremony? Consider wearing something less conspicuous than your bright red tracksuit.
• Despite appearances, the guy who plays “Bone” is not actually a Wayans brother.
• If you disturb Black Samurai on his vacation, expect rude treatment. This goes double if you interrupt his tennis lesson.
• Midgets are about as easy to beat up as you think they are, but harder to shoot.
• To make the most of your moviemaking budget, set your action-thriller in exotic locales that look just like Southern California.
• When you’re managing a staff of henchmen, there’s no greater motivational tool than a room full of snakes.
• Good idea: kidnapping a prominent diplomat’s daughter and holding her for ransom in exchange for the secret of a powerful new superbomb. Bad idea: kidnapping a prominent diplomat’s daughter who also happens to be Black Samurai’s girlfriend.
• Before you tie Black Samurai up, make sure he hasn’t tucked a pen-sized blowtorch in the belt of his sweatpants.
• It’s safe to assume that no woman named “Synne” has your best interests at heart.
• Very few psychotic cult leaders die of old age.
• Grainy, washed-out ‘70s films, when viewed in DVD quality on a 7” TFT LCD, look like grainy, washed-out ‘70s films.
• When in doubt, go shirtless.

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