The less time you waste changing bits in the middle of a job, the more free time you have until the Reaper’s cold embrace.

“Gather (koff, koff) around… children and children’s (koff, koff) spouses who were never good enough for my (koff, koff) babies. I have… one regret I must (koff, koff) unburden myself of… before the final curtain is drawn.”

Yes, Papa? What is it? Please, let us shoulder that terrible burden. Please.

“I regret (koff, koff) the… time that I… spent…”

Watching wrestling on Sunday mornings instead of going to church?

“No, no… the (koff, koff) squared circle was my cathedral, and King (koff, koff) Kong Bundy was my confessor… my conscience is (koff, koff) clean, and I fear not the judgment… of Hillbilly Jim. (koff, koff) No, I regret all the time I wasted… on…”

Betting on, and then trying to fix, high school girls’ volleyball games?

“Never… if those little brats (koff, koff) hadn’t been… so stuck-up… we could have (koff, koff) taken point-shaving… to bold new… places. No, my (koff, koff) great regret is… (koff, koff)”

Secretly marrying that other woman in Baltimore, and telling us and Mom that you were away on top-secret CIA missions while you were really just spending time with your illicit second family?

“Not at all… I did it (koff, koff) for the crabcakes… if you’d tasted Helen’s crab- (koff, koff) -cakes… even your dear departed mother would have (koff, koff) understood. Helen’s secret was (koff, koff) a pinch of nutmeg in the breading… it sounds… weird (koff, koff)... but it worked…”

Well, then, what? What could possibly have been so awful that you regret it more than all the other horrible things you’ve done?

“(koff, koff) I regret… the time I wasted… (koff, koff) changing bits in the middle of… drilling jobs. If only (koff, koff) one of my ungrateful (koff, koff) spawn had been… considerate enough to give me an Allstar Half Time Drill Driver… I could have simply (koff, koff) flipped the drill head to the screw (koff, koff) head, and back again… instead of stopping every time to unscrew (koff, koff) the… bits… so much wasted time… ”

Are you serious, old man? THAT’s your biggest regret?

“When I think of… what I (koff, koff) could have done with that… time… the wrestling I (koff, koff) could have watched… the crabcakes I could have (koff, koff) eaten… the volleyball players I (koff, koff) could have… bribed… oh, the tragedy… the tragic, tragic tragedy… (koff, koff) if only I had those… moments now…”

OK, everybody, which plug do we need to pull, here? Is it this red one?

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