We know what life is like. All you want to do is go to your cabin in the woods and sit quietly, playing the cello to the eagle that may or may not be the spirit of the woman you loved, depending on the camera angle, and worrying about your brother, whom you think is still missing in Vietnam. We understand. And we can help.

There’s a canyon out back, right? The perfect place to hide a Hawk Apache Double Prop R/C Helicopter. It’s full function, and remote controlled. Forward, left and right, and naturally, up and down. I mean, it wouldn’t be a very good helicopter if it didn’t go up and down. It files over 20 M high, and we’re pretty sure that M stands for meters, but just imagine if it was miles! Those twin electric 180rpm motors would rain hot death down on your enemies (hot death not included).

It comes fully assembled, so don’t let that guy with the eyepatch tell you otherwise. You can fly it right out of the box. There’s rubber wheels that roll, flashing blue/red LED lights mounted on the side, and four replacement blades, two “A” and two “B”. The battery is Ni-MH, just like the one in the pacemaker of your only friend, the guy who knew your dad in the Second World War. Seems like maybe you should get out now and then.

So don’t just sit around waiting to vanish at the start of the third season to be replaced by your brother on an entirely different network. Get your Hawk Apache Double Prop R/C Helicopter and start enjoying unstoppable air superiority. Plus, you know, that eagle said she digs a man in uniform.

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