Cheap, and gone after one day.

I’ve been reading a lot of women’s magazines recently. I mean—not the magazines of a lot of women. But a lot of “women’s interest” magazines.

It started just because I had a digestive mishap in the waiting room of my temp agency, and I rushed to the restroom thinking I’d grabbed FIELD & STREAM, but it was COSMO. I guess the cover model looked like a pronghorn out of the corner of my eye.

Anyway, I was in there for a good long while (thanks, Greasy Franky’s All-You-Can-Eat Mussels ‘N’ Cheese Buffet), so I ended up reading it pretty much front to back, took the quizzes, everything.

I. Learned. So. Much.

Now I buy every chick mag I can get my mitts on. They’re FULL of actionable intelligence. It’s like intercepting enemy communiqués. Not that ladies are the enemy. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, it turns out I’ve been going about things all wrong when it comes to the fairer sex. I’ve been trying to impress them with grooming, manners, working on being a good listener, cleaning my kitchenette before a date comes over, stuff like that. Worthless. Dead ends, all. I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to believe me, but I swear it’s the gospel truth.

Here’s what ladies are into: Sempron LE-1250 processors, 320-gig SATA hard drives, SuperMulti DVD burners with LightScribe technology, and Microsoft’s Windows 7 Home Premium operating system. Oh, and a 6-in-1 memory card reader is, like, the number one prime indicator of desirability.

I know, I know. But for real, dude. I got a PC with those features, set it up in my pad where it’s visible from the door, and within the first month I was getting, like, eight or nine times as much action as usual.

What? Yes, I know what nine times zero is. Why?

Oh, I get it. OK, fine, I’m just trying to do you a favor.

“Nine times zero.” Huh! Smart Alec.

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