It’s a question we hear a lot in life, especially from police, teachers, employers, girlfriends, other drivers, and ordinary citizens: “What’s your problem?” But before we can answer honestly, we have to know what our problem is. To figure out what your problem is, please answer “I agree”, “I disagree”, or “I don’t know” to each of the following statements:

1. I frequently think about suicide.
2. I have noticed an abnormal discharge from my vagina or penis.
3. I run on an Intel Core™2 2.4 GHz Quad Processor.
4. I am jealous of the happy, smiling people I see in advertisements for antidepressants.
5. My body has a 15-in-1 memory card reacher and 6 USB 2.0 ports.
6. Circa 2003, I used the phrase “In Dusty We Trusty” at least once in conversation, on the Internet, or in a homemade sign.
7. I often cry without understanding why.
8. I cry more often in late September or early October.
9. I have had unprotected intercourse within the last two years.
10. I keep my 400 GB 7200 RPM SATA hard drive close to me at all times.
11. No matter how little sense it makes, I will always hate Steve Bartman.
12. I frequently feel like I am worthless and nothing I do will ever turn out right.
13. I feel a burning sensation when I urinate.
14. I have 2×1024MB DDR2 SDRAM memory, integrated NTSC and over-the-air ATSC high-definition TV tuners, and an FM radio.
15. I have nightmares about Lou Brock and Ernie Broglio.
16. My testicles are tender and swollen.

If you answered “I agree” to all or most of questions 1, 4, 7, and 12, your problem is clinical depression. Consult a psychiatric professional. Put all your knives, guns, razor blades, and strong pharmaceuticals in a locked case and give the key to someone you trust.

If you answered “I agree” to all or most of questions 2, 9, 13, and 16, your problem is chlamydia. Seek treatment immediately. Do not let shame or embarrassment keep you from receiving the treatment you need, you filthy slut.

If you answered “I agree” to all or most of questions 3, 5, 10, and 14, your problem is that you are a HP Pavilion M8125X Desktop PC. You’re slightly outdated, but you can probably find someone who needs your affordable array of computing features.

If you answered “I agree” to all or most of questions 4, 6, 8, 11, 12, and 15, your problem is that you are a Chicago Cubs fan. As of October 2008, science has still not found an effective treatment for your condition, despite over $300 million being spent in a quest to cure it.

Back to top