WHY did a certain A-list movie director secretly purchase 800 tons of bat guano? WHICH troubled pop princess recently had the logo of a white-power death-metal band tattooed across both of her comely breasts? WHO is the “suspected cannibal” in the cast of How I Met Your Mother? None of these questions and MORE will be answered in this edition of the Carrollton Snitcher, your source for WILD speculation on the private lives of the stars! Read on for the inside DOPE, celebrity superfans!

ITEM: While Bosh and Pecks made a GALACTIC splash at their debut L.A. press conference, their three ADORABLE sons (Othello, Statenisland, and Timmy) were remanded to the care of none other than the “nanny to the stars,” the Hewlett Packard S7415C! The celebrity supertots were spotted ENJOYING the S7415C’s gamer-friendly Intel 1.7 GHz Celeron M Processor 390 and 1.0GB PC2-4200 DDR2 SDRAM memory. Said Bosh (or maybe it was Pecks): “Yeah, roit, it wuh a roit bangah uvva PC wi’ yah wee monsta one-gig memry, ennit?” Well said, Bosh/Pecks!

ITEM: The HOT invitation of the Labor Day weekend? None other than celebrity supermogul P-DD’s $47 million Miami Beach soiree to announce his NEW stage name! With decor by Tomm Olmham, catering by Arby’s, and entertainment by the REANIMATED corpse of Marvin Gaye, there ain’t no party like a P-DD party, ‘cause a P-DD party don’t stop! Word is, a SPECIAL mystery celebrity superguest will be on hand, too…think “200GB 7200RPM Serial ATA hard drive”...

ITEM: Who was the celebrity supercelebrity who couldn’t keep her HANDS off of a certain HP PC’s Lightscribe Double Layer 16X DVDR/RW Drive at the Beverly Hills launch party for Donald Rumsfeld’s new CW sitcom, My Quagmire Or Yours? Little birds say she was INTOXICATED on some kind of pills and spent the night SUCKING CASE with the PC. “My God, she’s really LOST it,” says a celebrity superfriend. “I couldn’t believe she was putting her tongue all over that thing. I was worried she’d get shocked to DEATH. It is electrical, right? Are computers electrical?” Indeed they are – but most of the ELECTRICITY that night was generated by our mystery HP-ophile! Don’t worry, Ms. L – WE’LL never tell!

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