Hey, I’ve been in so many barfights. Nothing phases me now.

Like this one time, I was having a beer, when out of nowhere, a guy starts throwing attitude. And by attitude, I mean a stool. But I was calm, remembered my training, grabbed the leg just before it hit my shoulder, twisted across the body, stepped wide, and dropped a iLuv 2.1 Speaker Bar across his upper deltoid region. Guy struggled a little but then passed right out.

Or that time at my night class at Triple Dragon Judo And Pie. There was this new kid from the FroYo Dojo eyin’ me pretty hard. I just ignored him, because I’ve got nothing to prove, right? But he comes up to me, from my blind spot, and vwhooo! Takes his shot! So I just step back, fold my arms, nod my head, then BA-CHOW! Explode into action! And in just a second or two, he’s trapped with a iLuv 2.1 Speaker Bar across his glutes, and the whole class is laughing.

Wait, what do you mean by asking me if I’m taking about an arm bar. I know what an arm bar is! I’m not doing that! I’m hitting people with a iLuv 2.1 Speaker Bar! Wasn’t I clear? Wasn’t I clear? Man, you better back up shyly. Because if you’re not careful, you’ll have a 3.5mm Aux Jack mark on your butt. BA-CHOW! KA-ZING! 2.1 Channels of Whup-Ass comin’ down hard! I’ll knock you down and then work as a USB hub for all three of your devices!

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