Well, buddy. You did it. You burned out instead of fading away.

And right now, we’re all here. Me, Cobra Joe, Fat Mike, Digger, Nick Two and Johnny Leatherpants. We’re here to send you off in death, just like we did in life, even though we all made a pact to never say that in court. But we were all your band, dude, and so we understood your decision to press your ashes into actual playable vinyl. But… well, if you’re listening up there, buddy… I mean, did you think I’d get this record anywhere near my hi-fi system? I mean, are you nuts? I keep those speakers all set up for my Kurt Vile records, I’m not recalibrating everything just to play your stupid prog rock nonsense. No offence, Cobra Joe, I know you worked hard on the bassline.

Anyway, to honor this special day, I got a little ION Audio Profile LP USB Turntable to use today. Sure, it’s not high-end equipment like you said in your will, but an ION Audio Profile LP USB Turntable makes it easy to convert vinyl to MP3, so you can always be with us in our portable players, and it’s also a perfectly good record player for the dorm or the apartment or whatever. Plus, dude, this thing is really easy to move around, so when Nick Two wants to play you before his next gig, he won’t have to hire an extra roadie or anything. Okay, so… let’s do this. Here we go, buddy. I’m dropping the needle on you now. Rest in peace.

...so did anyone check if this was supposed to be set to 45? Like a twelve inch or something? No? Because I don’t hear any lyrics and right now it could go either way. I mean, maybe it’s psychedelic guitar or something, it just sounds so slowed down. Yeah, Digger, look at the jacket. Oh, it doesn’t say. Well, let’s try… wow, that doesn’t help either. That keyboard sounds like Sleigh Bells. I’m gonna skip ahead a track, maybe there’s some… nope, still that crazy guitar. Man, couldn’t he even make some liner notes to help us out? If he were alive I’d quit the band right now, just to spite him. Mike, go find the receipt, I’m gonna call the company and see if they can tell us what speed this is supposed to be. Thanks for nothing, dude. Even dead you’re still a pretentious jerkface.

Oh, snap, hang on, I take it all back! Mike! MIKE! Hey, I just found a Rolling Rock under the couch! I think it’s a sign!

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