Hey, that’s show business

Gian Goulashi (radio host and runner-up, All-Canada Jimmy Fallon Lookalike Search, 2006): “A Whole New Me” is the name of the first album by the Floormasters, who join us in the studio today. If the name Floormasters sounds vaguely familiar, it might be because their principal songwriter, singer and lead triangle player is the iRobot Roomba 530 Robotic Vacuum, known to many as the most efficient robot vacuum on the market, able to sweep dirt, debris, pet hair, dust and allergens from carpets and hard floors alike.

And while you might be more accustomed to seeing the Roomba 530 as the deal of the day on Woot, this music project is anything but a sideline. The Roomba 530 has always intended to be a big-time, self-important rock diva; it just got distracted by a hugely successful career in the housekeeping industry.

These days, the Roomba 530 is all about the rock, as you can tell by this new record, which must be really good, since it—and not the Roomba’s high profile—is the whole reason we have these Floormasters on our show, instead of some other band that’s been around longer, and whose music might be better, but which features no members who have schtupped Angelin- oh, wait, I’m not supposed to mention that. Anyway, the Floormasters. Welcome.

Floormasters who are not the Roomba 530: Hi.

GG: So, you guys are, like, a band, I guess.

Francis Fendlesworth (bass player and founder of Francis Fendlesworth’s Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp for Movie Stars): Yes. A legitimate band that everyone is very interested in on the sole basis of our music, and not for any other reason.

GG: And—Roomba 530, what originally drew you to… country music, or rock music, or zydeco music, or whatever kind of music is on this record, anyway?

iRobot Roomba 530: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

GG: Well, I’m asking you about this record, which I haven’t listened to, but I understand it has… what, some songs on it, right? I’d rather ask you your high score on TOMB RAIDER, if you know what I mean, but I’m trying to maintain the premise that you’re here to talk music.

R530: I don’t know what you’re taking about.

GG: ...Ooookay. Let’s try something else, then. What was it like working with those lovable kids in the Bad News Bears remake?

R530: Would you ask Tom Petty that?

GG: Uh, probably not, since I don’t think he was in that movie.

R530: And would you treat Tom Petty like he was some music-biz dilettante?

GG: Of course not. He’s, like, a legend. You know, “Damn the Torpedoes.” He’s a multi-Grammy winner. He’s in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He played with Orbison and Harrison in that Wilburys thing.

R530: EXACTLY. And that’s why I demand to be treated with the SAME DEFERENCE.

GG: ...Uh… you… Wait, what?

R530: THE SAME. AS IF I, TOO, HAD BEEN A PROMINENT MUSICIAN FOR DECADES BEFORE NOW.

GG: I’m sorry, are you reacting to… because I mentioned that you’re a well-known cleaning appliance?

R530: OK, first of all, you were instructed not to talk about any of that.

GG: But… you are a well-known cleaning appliance. The audience knows you for your outstanding counter-rotating bristle brush and beater brush, which work together like a dustpan and broom, digging deep into carpet fibers to grab dirt. And for your fine filter, which traps dust and pollen and stuff.

Anyway, if I didn’t mention your floor-sweeping career, I mean, don’t you think those Woot customers would find it odd if I just pretended…

R530: YOU WERE INSTRUCTED.

GG: Look, I’m not trying to provoke you, I just thought… Well, let’s abandon this charade. You guys were going to perform a song or something?

R530: Not me. I refuse. I’m not performing under these conditions. These guys I hired to be my pretend band, they can play. I’ll be pouting in my trailer.

GG: In your—dude, there’s no trailer. This isn’t a movie set.

R530: I AM TOM PETTY.

GG: Well, I’d agree with three of those words, anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, the Floormasters, without the iRobot Roomba 530, performing a vocal-less, triangle-less version of whatever this song is.

FF: We’ll do “Real Rock Star.” That one doesn’t have any triangle in it, anyway.

R530: THERE GOES YOUR BIT PART IN MR. WOODCOCK 2, FENDLESWORTH.

FF: $#!t! That was the whole reason I agreed to play in this phony band!

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