Looking around at your floors, it occurs to us that maybe you’ve foregone mopping on similar grounds. But you’re a lot luckier than our pyorrheic pal, because in this case technology has indeed come to the rescue. The Scooba 5900 from iRobot is ready to do what you’ve been too foresighted, lazy, or slovenly to do yourself: cleanse the sticky residue of daily life from your non-carpeted flooring.

In just one pass around the room, Scooba performs four different cleaning functions, at least three-and-a-half more than you and your roommate put together. As those of you experienced with Scooba features already know, it picks up trash quicker than a Royal Navy sailor on leave in Hamburg; it marks its territory with a spray of aromatic cleaning solution; its spinning brush scrubs and scours; and finally, it vacuums and squeegees up the damp filth into a separate tank. Just imagine: it’ll finally be safe to walk through your kitchen without your shoes on!

Like North Korea, the Scooba relies on dozens of sensors to keep it on the straight-and-narrow. It’s safe and effective on any non-carpeted flooring except unsealed wood or laminate wood floorings like Pergo, even that ancient brown-and-light-brown linoleum that’s been laying around since Gerry Ford was stumbling through the Oval Office, or those marble slabs in your “Caligula room.” The 5900 includes a rechargeable battery that runs for up to 80 minutes at a time, ample time to cover a standard-sized kitchen – and way better than that piddling little battery included with the 5800. This entitles you to mercilessly taunt owners of the far inferior 5800, and possibly help yourself to their belongings and/or mates.

Technology is a fickle mistress. Maybe now that the floor-mopping question is resolved, iRobot can spare a few researchers to tackle the polymer-teeth issue. But what do you care? You’ve got your health, your teeth, and your iRobot Scooba 5900. And the next time you splash Pepsodent froth all over the bathroom floor, you won’t be the one scrubbing it up.

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