New Earthopolis, June 20, 4007 – With the help of remains unearthed near the location of the ancient city-state of Dallas, bioarchaeologists have gained new insight into the development of the human earpod.

The prominent bump, usually located on one ear, was not seen in humans until approximately one thousand years ago. Until now, scientists have remained baffled as to its origin. But new evidence suggests that humans once wore small artificial devices (or “headsets”) on their ears. Over the course of several generations, the ubiquitous devices merged with the human physiology, until both their physical bulge and their wireless-communication capability were encoded in the genetic material of all human beings.

“Nowadays, we can talk to anybody on Earth without an intrusive gadget,” said Dr. Nixxx Vader of the Kelly Clarkson Institute of Advanced Knowledge. “But to the primitive denizens of the twenty-first century, something like the Jabra BT150 Bluetooth Headset would have been irresistible. Inexpensive and compact by ancient standards, it permitted 6 hours of handsfree talk time on a single charge, and it was compatible with any Bluetooth mobile phone. Such a device would seem useless and bulky to us, but our crude forebears would have been dazzled by it.

“That is, when they weren’t too busy picking nits from each other’s fur, or sacrificing their children to the fire god Baal.”

Vader said a similar process could explain why, also about a thousand years ago, humans began to appear with one fingerless, mouse-shaped hand. “It’s entirely possible that, at one time, people used some external device to control the cursor on their computer screens.”

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