To: Media Relations Division
From: OBL

Well guys, we're starting to see the infidel press reviews of our latest audio release, and they're not good. First of all, the heathens had to subject the thing to two days' worth of analysis just to be sure it was my voice! Then CNN said "Poor quality." CBS called it "Insignificant." And the most devastating criticism of all came from Pitchfork Media: "badly-recorded, smug pontificating for those who find the spoken-word releases of Jello Biafra too funny and incisive." They gave it a 2.4! No distributor will touch it now!

I know you guys do some good work under trying conditions – it's not easy to find the right EQ levels when you're recording in a cave. But we've got to get more professional, Allah willing. For one thing, why are we even putzing around with audio? We haven't released a new video in over a year, ever since Jawad dropped the camcorder (I hope old butterfingers is enjoying his 72 virgins now). That old analog cam just wasn't suited to the Internet age anyway. I understand the budgetary constraints, but still: what does a jihadi have to do to get a lightweight, handheld digital video camera around here?

Something like the JVC GR-D250US Compact Mini DV Camcorder would be ideal. For one thing, it weighs less than a pound and fits in the palm of the hand, leaving your other hand free to wave a big curved sword around. The D250 records to cheap Mini-DV tapes with 520-line resolution, and we won't have to convert the files to put them up on our MySpace page. The night vision feature has its obvious advantages given our, shall we say, variable filming conditions. There's more, too: 25x optical zoom, 800x digital zoom, digital picture stabilization, and a big 2.5" swivel-out LCD. Truly, Allah has bestowed a bounty of blessings to the D250.

I gotta admit, it really stings to hear the critics say our tapes are "poor quality." I've said it a million times: if we don't put out an appealing product, we look like a bunch of crackpots. I didn't give up a perfectly good construction business to join the next Symbionese Liberation Army. We're in this thing to win – let's act like it!