Wait, all I have to do is tell people on the Internet that I want to make a video and they’ll send me money? Count me in!

Hi, and welcome to my JumperCable page! For years, I’ve been looking for a way to convince others that I deserve to be freely given their cash for little or no effort on my part. Now, thanks to this big “group-funding” wave everyone’s catching, I think I’ve found a way to do just that.

So here’s the deal: I want to make a series of videos about two characters who go to the same bar every night and talk about what an awful person my ex-wife is for leaving me. Oh, and they get drunk, too. One guy is a, um, an old action figure I used to play with when I still had hope and dreams. The other is a stuffie toy my kid gave me the last time my wife let me see her. I call it “The Action Figure and Stuffie Show.” They’ll have funny voices and stuff. Should be a hoot.

The whole thing will be shot on a JVC Everio 720p HD Camcorder I was able to hide when the movers came to get my ex-wife’s stuff. I finally found the courage to delete all of our “happy” memories from the 8GB built-in flash memory, so I should have some room to record this stuff. All the videos will be in 1280 x 720p HD resolution and uploaded to, I don’t know, YouTube, I guess? I might even up-convert the footage to 1920 x 1080p quality, provided I figure out how to do that.

But wait! The site’s rules say I can’t just expect you to give me money for nothing, so here’s some rewards for your donation:

$5+ – You get a hand-written note from me, possibly on an old fast food or gas station receipt, thanking you for being a penny-pinching cheapskate. Come on, jerks! Don’t be so stingy!

$20+ – You get a slightly nicer note than the one above, plus an exclusive downloadable video of Action Figure and Stuffie reciting all of the various features of my JVC Everio 720p HD Camcorder from the back of the box. Be the envy of two, maybe three people on your block as our stars comically say things like “SD/SDHC/SDXC memory card slot,” “Advanced Image Stabilizer,” “Face Detection,” and “1/5.8” 1.5MP CMOS sensor.”

$100+ – You get the above video AND a personalized invitation (written on a receipt) to join Action Figure, Stuffie, and me at the bar, where you’ll get the opportunity to buy me dinner and “enough” drinks. I’m not sure how many drinks that is, but when the bartender says I’ve had “enough,” that’s a pretty good indication.

So yeah, start pledging now! I figure $10k should be enough to cover the cost of materials, booze, bail, or lawyer fees that I accrue during production. Look, it’s either this or I go back to donating fluids to whatever hospital wants them for cash. Help a guy out, huh?

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