Hey, cinemaholics! Guess you been wondering where ol’ Sheldon Shelman’s been hiding, huh? I know it’s been a bummer of a summer without a Shelman picture down at the multiplex. Ooh, hey, “bummer of a summer”, great title. Gotta write that one down. See, I can’t help but spin movie gold – that’s how us geniuses work!

Speaking of work, that’s exactly what I haven’t been doing all year! But don’t worry – the studio stuffed-shirts will never run me out of the game. What happened was, I was in intense talks with Famke Janssen’s agent about her starring in Dancing On Adverbs, the sensual story of the steamy love triangle between her character, Strunk, and White. At least, I thought it was Famke Janssen’s agent. Turned out it was just some scammer trying to get ahold of my credit card number. I’ll be paying that one off for a while, let me tell you.

So I had to pawn my old camcorder, along with my computer, my typewriter, my clapboard, my director’s chair, my megaphone, my beret, and my cigarette holder. Can’t believe I only got eighty bucks for all that stuff. But anyway, thanks to this super-cheap refurbished JVC GR-D770 MiniDV Camcorder, the great Sheldon Shelman is ready for lights, camera, action!

That 680k pixel CCD and 2.7” LCD monitor will be perfect for lensing one of my patented Shelman high-concept extravaganzas, whether it’s Comanche Asteroid (cowboys and Indians in space!) or The Three-Headed Stranger (aliens in the Wild West!). What can I say? Ideas are my vitamins. And that 34x optical zoom will be terrific on the close-ups I’ll need for The Object Of My Infection, my bittersweet rom-com about an ordinary man whose life is turned upside down by a boil on his inner thigh…that talks! There won’t be a dry eye in the house during the lancing scene.

Take it from me, you don’t stumble across cameras like this sipping a Coke at the soda fountain at Schwab’s. For one thing, Schwab’s closed, like, thirty years ago. But the important thing is: Sheldon Shelman is back! And this time, with the JVC GR-D770 MiniDV Camcorder in my hand and movie blockbusters like these in the can, I’d like to see them try to escort me off the studio lot!

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