You have to know where to look for bargains. These fancy slicers, for example, we picked up for cheap out of the Mandolin Bins at Mandelay Bay.

I was so excited to hear we were selling a mandolin! I’ve always been a huge folk and bluegrass fan, and the thought of snagging a mandolin for cheap had me fantasizing about how I would soon master the thing, and install myself as a fixture in the local open-mic scene. Oh, how the ladies would swoon to my down-home pluckin’ and strummin’! Move over, bros Monroes!

But then this “mandolin” turned out to be a professional-grade food-slicing implement. Imagine my disappointment the first time I laid eyes on its elegantly designed chassis, its legendary Shun Pro blade, and its sturdy spring loaded hopper.

“Hey,” one of my wannabe-foodie colleagues giddily exclaimed, “did you know that Shun Pro’s single-bevel blade was inspired by the yanagiba blade? It’s a seven-centuries-old design favored by the top chefs of Japan!”

I smiled and tried to seem excited, but yanagiba don’t mean nothin’ to me. I’m inspired by Flatt & Scruggs, myself.

“Look how easy it is to remove the blade for sharpening!” my coworker said. “Let’s find a turnip or something and test this thing out!”

I don’t know where he came up with a turnip in our office, and I’m not sure I want to. But as he reduced the root veggie to a pile of the most precisely-cut slivers I’d ever seen, I couldn’t help thinking: That turnip is my unrealized dream of acoustic music glory, cut to pieces. To make matters worse, this Kai Shun Pro contraption is specially designed for safety, so the chances of my accidentally opening a vein on it and bleeding to death, mercifully ending the torment of musical obscurity, are very slim.

Anyway, I’m still going to all those open mic nights, but now I’m trying to get the ladies’ attention with the julienne potatoes I bring. I’ll let you know how that works out.

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