It’ll toast bread! That’s what it does! THAT’S ALL IT DOES!

Nobody knew who started it at first. But it was the toasters. Powerful things with variable browning controls and a variety of toasting options. People were giving them away as gifts for opening new checking accounts or as wedding presents by the truckloads. It was madness, I tell you. Nothing could stop it.

The old versions were easy to disregard. But these are new. They look so stylish… beautiful modern design, stainless steel polished finish, inexplicable glass, everything. They were even outfitted with a extra wide slots, slide-out crumb trays for easy cleaning and a blue LED display.

Listen and understand. That Kalorik 2-Slice Stainless-Steel and Glass Toaster is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, until you are FULL OF TOAST, BAGELS, ENGLISH MUFFINS, WAFFLES, OR TOASTER PASTRIES! Unless, of course, someone unplugs it. Or it breaks. Whichever comes first, I guess. Whatever.

Do you see now? Do you believe me? Good. Now, look, the only way we are going to save mankind from a horrible toasty future is if we make a baby RIGHT NOW. Don’t worry. I’m from the future, remember? I know about these types of things.

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