The Wrong Tom Richards: Yeah, hello?

Debt Collector: Tom Richards?

The Wrong Tom Richards: Yes, this is Tom, but I think I know what this is about, and -

Debt Collector: Why haven’t you paid your bills, Tom?

The Wrong Tom Richards: Is this about the $147.92 from Crate & Barrel? Because if it is, I’m not the Tom Richards you’re looking for. We’ve been through this before.

Debt Collector: Stop lying, Tom. Give me your credit card number right now.

The Wrong Tom Richards: I’m telling you, you’re looking for a different Tom Richards! I used to see him listed in the phone book, I think he lived over on Mariposa Boulevard -

Debt Collector: Why are you lying, Tom? Is this how you treat everyone you owe money to? Give me your credit card number right now. That’s the only way you can stop these calls.

The Wrong Tom Richards: What social security number do you have down for me? Does it end in 4121?

Debt Collector: You know it doesn’t, Tom.

The Wrong Tom Richards: Then it’s not me!

Debt Collector: Stop lying and pay your bills, Tom.

The Wrong Tom Richards: You’re with CrediPay Systems, right? What’s your name and badge number?

Debt Collector: Mr. Denny, badge number 52474. But you shouldn’t be worried about that. You should worry about paying your bills.

The Wrong Tom Richards: You know, Mr. Denny, when you eventually find the right Tom Richards and you get your commission for collecting the debt, you oughtta spend it on a Kyocera Bluetooth Portable HandsFree Car Kit. It makes it easy and safe to take calls on your Bluetooth phone while you’re driving. You don’t even have to touch the phone to answer or end calls. It’s really convenient. As a matter of fact, I’m talking on one right now.

Debt Collector: I don’t care, Tom. I care about getting this debt paid. Stop changing the subject. I need that credit card number immediately. Now. Right now.

The Wrong Tom Richards: No, I don’t think so. I’ll tell you how we can handle this, though. I’m pulling up outside the CrediPay call center right now. I can wait out here for you – when do you get off, like six? – and convince you in person that I’m not the Tom Richards you’re looking for. I could even follow you home and we can take care of it there, if you want. I don’t have my social-security card with me, but I do have my Driver’s License. Oh, and my concealed-carry permit.

Debt Collector: I see…

The Wrong Tom Richards: Or we can forget all that and you can make sure your bloodsucking little loan-sharking outfit never calls me again. What do you say?

Debt Collector: I think this concludes our business. Thank you for using CrediPay Systems.

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