Hark! Gadget commentary draws near, along with other substances most foul. Gaze deeply, if ye dare, into another installment of “Ask an Incontinent Viking,” the gadget column hosted by Fjafalgnjir the Vexed, an 11th-century Danish warrior transported into a modern world he never made. Of all the wonders of time travel, the loss of bowel control is the least wondrous. But if you think Fjafalgnjir will be stopped by a few inconvenient splashes here and there, well, you’ve obviously never smelled the guy.

Q. I’m looking for a sleek, lightweight wireless headset. My phone has Bluetooth capability, so that would be an added bonus. But here’s the thing: I want the best one I can find for less than twenty bucks. Any advice?

A. Like a true son of Gullveig the gold-bringing witch, you grasp treasure above all else in life, and seek ill-gained advantage in all your dealings. Hey, me too! I’m what the giant Mökkurkálfi would call “a bargain-a-holic”. And verily, the loftiest of all Bluetooth headset bargains be the LG - er, stay yourself but a moment! ‘Tis a tempest rages ‘neath my tunic!

Whew…OK, I’m back…God, I think I need a glass of water after that one. Ugh. OK, so, yeah, the LG 710 Bluetooth Headset. Truly a mighty battery indeed, to run for 5 hours of talk time and 150 hours of standby! All the power of Freyja’s war-swine Hildisvini in a body yet scarcely larger than a single mead-bearing teat of Heiðrún, goat of Valhalla! Last-number redial, voice calling, and call reject add up to a headset so desirable, it could make Helgi Hundingsbane reject his valyrie beloved Sigrún. In the LG 710, a miracle hath been worked by Odin, or one of his surrogates in the LG engineering department.

Q. Arrr, ye frosty-browed snow-lubber! Ye dare take the name of the fearsome Bluetooth in vain?

A. How speaks you? Who is this?

Q. Avast! The pirate Bluetooth, scourge of the waves, sea-wolf of the Antilles, Beelzebub himself on wings of rum and hemp!

A. Devil! How hast thou escaped the realm of music? Are you not confined to the Wootcast as surely as the beast Mangog was imprisoned ‘neath Asgard, before the rock troll Ulik accidentally set it free (The Mighty Thor vol. 1, #154, July 1968)?

Q. Guess not! Now prepare to be boarded! Aye, I and my gang of degenerates shall despoil your gadget column in the vilest ways we can think of, then help ourselves to all the riches within! I didn’t change my socks this month, just for you! Perhaps I’ll use your little horn-helmet to scrape away the crud ringing my barnacled ears! Believe me, they need it!

A. Darest thou presume to match might with Fjafalgnjir in a battle of vileness? You may strain with effort to befoul your surroundings, but all I need do is let nature run its course. I summon this power now! Rise now, my oleaginous legions! Rise in rank array against the invader! Much blood will be spilled this day, along with stuff that’s even grosser!

Q. Arr, you weren’t kidding! That is really gross! Avast, me rabble! Back to the safe harbor of the Wootcast, smartly now! And remind me never to do any time-travelling!

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