“Bailiff, bring forth the accused, to answer to the testimony of Goodwife Lytchefelde that the accused hath practiced witchcraft!”

“OK, wait, wait, guys, I don’t know how I wound up in the 17th century but I’m telling you, I’m just an ordinary Linksys RangePlus Wireless Router.”

“Silence thy incantations, accused! Answer the question: didst thou cause forbidden arcana to be transmitted through the air and through gilded rope alike, at speeds far beyond those known just a few short years ago?”

“Well, yes, but where I come from that’s not that weird. Wireless, LAN, I can handle both. I can do wireless B, G, or N, and I’ve got four Ethernet 10/100 ports. I won’t apologize for that.”

“Didst thou entice entire families to share in this stream of magical secrets, thus poisoning their very souls with the illicit nectar of worldly knowledge?”

”’Poison’ seems like a strong word, but yeah, my Wireless-N technology makes it possible for a whole household to have a fast network experience on a single broadband connection. But so what? None of you guys have computers, much less reliable Internet service.”

“Didst thou suckle a raven at thy breast, and cause the afflicted to twitch and writhe as if shaken by an unseen demonic hand, and appear as a goat beneath the pale moon?”

“What? No, that doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

“Didst thou fly through the air on a stout oak branch, and pinch three times the broodmare of Goodwife Lytchefelde causing her to give blood instead of milk?”

“Where are you getting this crap? Look, what comes out of Goodwife Lytchfelde’s mammaries is none of my business.”

“Your testimony has been noted. What say the court?”

“Upon hearing the aforesaid, we of the court hereby commit the Linksys RangePlus Wireless Router to our Majesty’s gaol, there to await further sentence.”

”’Further sentence’? ‘Further sentence’? That means burning at the stake, right? Or what, hanging? Please, please, let it be hanging. I don’t have a throat, and I don’t need to breathe. But I’m not fireproof.”

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