Unbeknownst to history, Ferdinand Magellan did not die in 1521! He and his trusty translator/slave Enrique fell into a rift in space-time and were transported hundreds of years into the future and thousands of miles across the globe! Now, with Enrique at his side, Magellan searches for a way out of the bewildering subdivisions and strip malls of present-day America, hoping to return to his native Portgual. Tonight’s episode: Peril in Oakwood! In color!

Dialogue in brackets is translated from Portuguese

Magellan: [I still don’t get it. I mean, yeah, Vespucci was OK, but naming two continents after him? He must’ve had a hell of a PR rep.]

Enrique: [Many are the mysteries of this age, master.]

Magellan: [Hey, check it out, civilization. A shabby and gaudy dwelling, sure, but it’s something. If I have to walk past another tree I’ll claw my eyes out. What do you think that sign is all about?]

Enrique: [Seven, one, one? I suppose it must be the address.]

Magellan: [Well, let’s go in and ask directions. It’s a good thing you speak some English. I never would’ve bet on those sheep farmers becoming a world power.]

Convenience Store Clerk: Can I help you?

Enrique: Uh, yase. I wahs wondereen where is de way to, eh, Portugal, do you please?

Magellan: [Hey, Enrique! Check this out, man! This, this pamphlet or whatever it is called “Maxim”, you wouldn’t believe the women in this thing!] Meu Deus!

Convenience Store Clerk: Portugal, Ohio? It’s about two hours up Highway K, right across the state line. What you do is, go left out of the parking lot -

Enrique: Erm, no, no, sank you. We are tryeen to return to the sovereign keendom of Portugal, domain of Keen Emmanuel the Fairst.

Convenience Store Clerk: Oh, OK. Yeah, I figured by your outfits you weren’t from around here. Well, uh, for starters, you’re probably going to need to fly to get to Portugal.

Enrique: [Incredible!]

Magellan: [What? What’d he say?]

Enrique: [He told us to fly! He must be…a sorcerer!]

Magellan: [Of course! Only an adept of the black arts could conjure up such alluring, tempting pictures of womanflesh! Wait, now – don’t run – we mustn’t let him know we’re onto him yet, or he’ll flay us alive with his talons…]

Convenience Store Clerk: So you’d need to get to an airport, and I guess the nearest one is over in Kenstonville, so you take…hey, you know what would be easier? We’ve got these GPS units on special. They’ve got pre-loaded maps for all fifty states, nice interactive icons for looking up routes, a big 4.3” WQVGA color screen. The maps are a little old, but they’re still accurate, pretty much. Here, look at one…

Magellan: [What’s he saying? What’s he saying?]

Enrique: [It sounds like nonsense to me! Gibberish! It must be some sort of incantation!]

Magellan: [Don’t touch that thing he’s holding! It’ll capture our souls and he’ll feast on our bodies with his demon friends! Look, over there – salted strips of flesh from his victims!]

Convenience Store Clerk: Go on, take a look. It’s OK. They work great, these things. I’ve got one of these Magellan Maestro 4200s myself.

Magellan: [Did he just say my name? How did he know my name?]

Enrique: [Father in Heaven, protect us!]

Convenience Store Clerk: Hey, are you guys OK? You need a Red Bull or something?

Magellan: [OK, OK, when I give the signal, run…NOW!]

Convenience Store Clerk: Hey, where you guys going? Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you! Forget about the GPS! My manager said I’m supposed to upsell, that’s all! Hey, hey, wait, Kenstonville is the other way!

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