Well, it’s official. Your dead wife’s ghost is really hacked off at you.

You knew something was up when the “wind” kept knocking your coffee mug into your lap after your first date with Susan, but you let it slide. Then there was that whole slamming doors and bleeding walls episode the moment you got home from Date #2, but still you played it cool. She’ll come around eventually, you thought. But now it’s the big third date, your reservation at Chez Pompeii is at 8pm, and your dead wife has opened up a supernatural portal in the living room and whisked your new girlfriend off to a hell dimension. Now’s about the time you need to grow a pair and get a little confrontational, don’t you think?

“IT’S BEEN FIVE YEARS, MARCIE! I HAVE NEEDS, YOU KNOW!”

The floorboards and walls will creak and groan and sound a little like, yOU DooNnnt cAAAAARrrEE ahNEEmORrree wUHHh hAAppENNNNed to Ussssss

“You died, Marcie. That’s what happened. And you know what? I grieved, I mourned, I’m over it, and I wish you were, too.”

IiiiIIiii llooOOoVvvEE YoooOOUuu ssssoo mUcccH

You’ll sigh a little bit here, then say, “Honey, you know I love you, too. So much. And your death was tragic and awful and it hurt so bad for a very long time. And, yes, it brought me a certain amount of comfort to know that your spirit was somehow trapped in the walls due to the house being built on some ancient witch doctor’s burial mound. But we can’t keep doing this.”

UUuuuUU dddDonT eeEVeen MMmmiZZz mmmEEEee

“WHAT? So what’s that over there on the mantle, huh? Is that not the Memorex 10” Digital Photo Frame with 2 GB of built-in memory we got as a wedding gift? Is that not the same frame we took hours filling with our most precious widescreen digital photographs for display in 16:9 aspect ratio? Does the built-in memory card slot that supports most popular card formats NOT have a card with photos from our very last day together in it? DANG IT, MARCIE. Every time I look at that thing I miss you like a drowning man misses air. That’s never going to change. But, I’m alive, Marcie. I need to live. Please. Bring Susan back to me.”

The house will be stone silent for a moment. Suddenly a burst of wind and lightning will tear through the house and the portal will open once more. You’ll hear Susan calling out your name from a distance, growing louder as she approaches.

And then the portal will vanish again.

DDddooOOoOo uUuUUuuu TThhhiiinnk shHHheeEESSS prrrrREEEeetttIEeR THAaaNN MMmmMMmmmeeeee

You don’t even have to bother looking at the Memorex 10” Digital Photo Frame’s on-screen clock display to know you’re going to be late for your dinner reservation. If Susan ever returns, maybe it’d be best for you to meet her at her place from now on.

Back to top