Look, pal; you basically got three choices here. It’s my way or the highway— or Blu-Ray. It’s a new way.

I’m through kidding around with you like everything’s a big joke, OK? Yeah, everything’s just a snickerfest with you, isn’t it? What are you, like a comedian? Yeah, you’re a regular Allen Sherman. Well listen up, chuckles, I ain’t laughing. I don’t see anything funny about Blu-Ray discs’ humungoid storage capacity: 25GB on a single-layer disc and 50GB on a double-layer disc. For me, higher-definition video is just something I take extremely serious. Like sinking-of-the-Lusitania serious, OK? Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura. Serious.

Look, if you’ve got other ideas about other Blu-Ray players you want to buy instead of this one, then be my guest. You don’t care if you pay more, right? No, of course not, what’s more money to a big comedian like you, hunh? You’re full of hilarious comments; you should go on Johnny Carson. You’ll be a huge hit. Big star. You’ll have money to just throw away. Which, frankly, is what I personally think you’d be doing on another Blu-Ray player. But hey, that’s just me. You seem to be such an expert, maybe you got a better idea, I’d like to hear it.

Sure, you want to be the boss? You want to be the one standing up here, talking about how this player offers audio decoding for Dolby TrueHD, Dolby Digital Plus, and DTS-HD High Resolution along with Master Audio bitstream output? You want to tell everyone about the 5.1 analog audio outputs, white LED display and good-lookin’ brushed metal accents? Fine, you take over and I’ll just make snide comments, see how you like it. You can go to the trouble of telling me all the specs, and instead of paying attention, I can just lollygag around playing grab-ass and see how you like it.

I’m trying to do you a favor here. I’ve made a point to treat you like a grown-up on this. But all you can do is just make your snide little comments about “whaaah, this player lacks ‘profile 2.0,’” and “nyaa, nyaaah, what about super-fancy audio decoding?”

Well, personally— and this is just my own personal opinion here, you can take it or leave it since you’re such a smarty-pants— I couldn’t give two meager squeezings of my chronically constipated bowel about “profile 2.0.” You can quote me on that. And as far as the audio decoding? Anyone who’s serious about audio is going to use a receiver to decode, so don’t give me that. You’re not serious about audio. You’ve never been serious about anything for two solid minutes in your life. This is all a big joke to you. You think your whole life is just one amusing episode after another, like Reader’s Digest’s “Life in These United States.” Son, you are in for a harsh dose of reality any day now.

But hey, you’re going to do whatever you’re going to do, right? Well I’ll tell you something. Shopping for a Blu-Ray player isn’t free play time in the romper room sandbox, get it? This is 1080p high-definition video time here, and it’s either my way, or the highway. Or Blu-Ray. It’s a new way.

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