You have to understand, he just… He just loved you so much and, well, it tore him up inside when your old headset broke and you couldn’t talk with your little Xbox Live friends anymore. Even though he had just lost his job at the firm and money was so tight, nothing else mattered to him expect putting a smile back on your face. So when he saw that poster in the department store window, he never thought of the danger. I tried to talk him out of it, I swear, but he was a man possessed. If diving head first into an 18 foot pool of mayonnaise meant pulling a Motorola Xbox 360 Gaming Headset with noise reduction technology up from the bottom for his boy, then, by gum, he was going to do it. I can still see him waving at me from the edge of that diving board just before he jumped. With a “plurp”, he was gone.

Oh, Jimmy, why did I lie to you for so long! You father didn’t run away with some floozy he met in a bar! He died, Jimmy, there at the bottom of that giant pool of mayonnaise, clutching the box with your Motorola Xbox 360 Gaming Headset to his chest with the widest grin I’ve ever seen stretched across his face. That’s why he never calls! That’s why he never writes letters or sends you birthday cards or Christmas presents! That’s why your headset always smells faintly of eggs and oil, Jimmy! I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T JUST TELL YOU THE TRUTH WHEN I HAD A CHANCE!