Here’s your 1st brush and here’s your 2th brush

First of all, NO, they’re NOT REFURBISHED, ha ha ha. Tell you what they are, though. They’re indispensable weapons in the war on tooth decay.

Now, as everybody knows, hygiene is the home front on which the fight for public decency is waged. No one can be wholesome of character whose hair is matted, whose clothes are stained, and whose armpits stink like artisanal goat cheese on its second day in the sun. The body is the temple of the soul. Especially the temples. The temples are the temples of the temple of the soul. So keep your temples really clean.

On the flip side, a person who is scrupulous about personal cleanliness basically cannot help but achieve moral righteousness as a side effect. It’s true! And where better to start a bodily rehab project than in that fetid, plaque-caked germ-sauna you call your mouth?

Your new Oral B power toothbrushes use “advanced sonic technology” to scrub the fuzzy bacterial carpeting off your sandwich-mashers with angled CrissCross bristles that work at nearly 20,000 pulsations per minute. That’s a lot of brush-a-brush-a!

Face it, you just don’t have the elbow grease to match that pace the old-fashioned way, and why even try? What are you, some kind of oral hygienic analog of John Henry? You can’t fight technology, dude.

No, when you’re faced with an advanced piece of tooth-cleaning, gum-stimulating machinery like this, there’s only one reasonable reaction. That’s to stick it directly into your mouth and start in a-working on the foul, fermenting bits of food adhering to the choppers therein.

Yes, your transformation from sick, filthy deviant to upstanding citizen starts with the simple cleansing of surface stains and gristlewads from your meal-grinders. But it culminates in the total purification of your moral being. You see, there’s a good person in you somewhere. But no one can tell, given the nasty state of that person’s teeth.

Oh! Almost forgot to tell you—the packaging for these items is printed in Japanese and English. So, uh… you can work on your Japanese while you brush. Consider it another opportunity for self-improvement.

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