You’re on the phone with some creepy sounding dude that seems to know your every move? Man, did you come to the right place.

First of all, don’t panic, but you’ve got a serial killer in your home. You don’t want to startle him or cause him to somehow become aware that you’re getting helpful hints from a deal-a-day website. Just keep him on the phone with idle chit chat. If it seems like the conversation is coming to some dramatic crescendo, STALL. Bring up your grandmother, your stupid co-workers, or your last colorectal exam, whatever it takes. Serial killers always strike at the most dramatic moment, so keep the conversation as banal as possible.

Next, you’ll need a weapon. A bat, fire poker, or golf club, perhaps? Something immediately handy. Do NOT go into the kitchen. You might want a knife, but the killer is probably already there waiting to throw you in the basement or something. Unless, of course, you’re in the basement right now, which means he’s probably up there waiting to push you back down the stairs.

You’re doing just fine, kiddo. Now, before we guide you through your escape, there’s just one more thing you need to do. Ready? Okay. You need to buy this Philips 8-Device Universal Remote Control. No, really, do it now.

Look, I don’t mean to be a jerk here, but your life is kind of on the line and, last time I checked, we were the ones who were helping you out. The very least you could do is buy a friggin’ remote that works with most AV devices made since 1990, you know. I’m not even asking you to buy three, though I’d think the ability to stay above ground would be worth AT LEAST three of these things.

Okay, fine. Gosh, we’ll stop with the pressure. See if we ever help you out of another overdone Hollywood horror movie plot again! Dang.

BTW, he’s right behind you.

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