Ah, fair lady—behold my court! Here I am lord, and you are privileged indeed to be my companion. How fortunate you are! How few maidens have been afforded entree to this chamber! How extraordinary must be your breeding, your wit, your beauty, or perhaps your tolerance for the odor of Cool Ranch, which wafts about my body at all times, and seems to repel so many of your sex!

Shall I introduce my attendants? Five speakers surround us, speaking sounds of flattery into my ears! Each of them has his own distinct responsibilities, and yet they cooperate seamlessly, as one being! Their service is loyal, their posture excellent! A progressive scan DVD player lies prostrate before my hand, its attitude one of abject abasement—does it not seem to be bowing to me? It awaits instruction from its sovereign!

Now look: at my side, a subwoofer rumbles and growls, warning off any who would be so insolent as to approach me unbeckoned!

Here are 600 watts of power at my sole command! Here is Dolby Digital/DTS surround sound, filling my chambers with aural pleasures! In this sanctum, I am the sole and total authority! The very sounds and images obey my commands! This is my home theater, and I have spoken: we shall partake of Ski School—just as soon as I acquire a television set!

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