Here’s my plan: I’m going to ask that neighbor kid Keith to come over and sit my iguana overnight. Explain that he doesn’t need any special care or feeding, just that he’s been ill with some bogus iguana disease—say “herpetitis”—and I want someone in the house to look in on him every four hours and call the vet if he starts to turn purplish. He’ll come over at nine or so, just as I’m headed out to catch a late bus or something. I’ll explain that he can help himself to whatever’s in the fridge, but that he can’t turn the TV or radio on, because Mr. Mojo has to rest.

That’s his name, Mr. Mojo Risin. He’s the Lizard King, see.

So anyway, little does Keith know that just before I let him in to stay the night at my place, I’m going to press play on an extra-long mp3 file I made special for this occasion. It’s four and a half hours of silence, followed by the sound of someone clearing his throat followed immediately by someone else going “shh!”

That should come on just after 1:30 in the morning, through my new Premier Acoustics 2-way speakers. I’ve got them wall-mounted on their keyhole-style clips right across the room from the sofa where Keith’s almost certainly going to crash. They’re pretty great for plain old rock and roll with driving but nonetheless subtle bass. They also deliver thrilling highs way up in the limits of the human ear’s range. But what’s going to sell this prank is their plain old clear, convincing verisimilitude.

Man, Keith is literally going to urinate in his cargo shorts. He’s going to freak out. He’s going to think he’s got some kind of The Strangers home invasion happening. He’ll be terrified. He’ll weep with fear.

That ought to teach him to ride his Big Wheel in my driveway!

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