WOOT.COM: Thanks very much for joining us! Our guest is known for making it easier for the common man to get his meat. Please welcome Presorvac MA-430 5 Cycle Marinater.

PRESORVAC MA-430 5 CYCLE MARINATER: Thanks for having me! I’m a big fan of the site!

W.C: How did we get here? One day our people are talking to your people about how to better flavor various types of meat, then your people start sending our people links to Rick Astley, then the next thing we know, you’re on Martha Stewart learning how to make salmon-apple muffins and we’re ordering a gross of banana creme pies. I mean, is this really the best use of our time?

PM5CM: I dislike it, I didn’t understand it. Really, flavoring meat is the sort of thing… I mean, I’ve spoken out against it many times. I’m for the little guy, always have been.

W.C: But, now, your company, and I’m not blaming you directly, here, you know, but your company talks up how it can make a marinade that doesn’t take all day. You know, “cover the lid, push the button, wait ten minutes and it’s ready to cook”?

PM5CM: Look, in a market like this… I mean, we get things wrong, sure, but when you’re working with steaks, fish fillets, chicken, kabobs, um, vegetables and fruits, you know, you guys have three writers! I’m just one marinating machine and a guy in his pyjamas! Who, incidentally, is also a big fan.

W.C: Let’s talk about some of your claims for a minute. Take a look at this.

VIDEO: If you’re trying to make lead into
gold, you need to buy a Presorvac MA-430
Marinater.

W.C: Any comment?

PM5CM: Hey, you know, marketing is a different department.

W.C: So you don’t promise more than you can give?

PM5CM: Look, no marinating machine is going to be 100% at everything. For example, I’m really bad at golf. But what I try to do is be the best I can be at what I do.

W.C: So kind of a delicious Wolverine sort of thing.

PM5CM: That’s good, I like that.

W.C: Can we roll video 208, please?

(pause)

PM5CM: What’s happening?

W.C: We’re just waiting for the video to load.

PM5CM: Isn’t that a little awkward?

W.C: Not if we aren’t talking.

PM5CM: Sorry.

VIDEO: One thing I’m predicting for
2007, it’s that marinating machines,
like me, are going to be able to infuse
tap water with flavoring. No question.
I’d never admit this on television but
I’ll admit it on videotape because
that’s a totally different thing.

PM5CM: Well, guess that last part isn’t true any more.

W.C: Now, we both know a marinating machine can’t do that.

PM5CM: We do.

W.C: So why claim it at all? Why not just admit that a marinade can make good meat better? Why not focus on how you can improve food that’s going to the grill or oven instead of pumping up these false claims? You’re supposed to have a five cycle process that ensures everything goes right, you’re supposed to be dishwasher safe. I’m not trying to pin all this on you, but you must be aware that having a, a, a 12×9 oval base means you can handle large steaks and chicken breasts. I mean, isn’t that in the recipe book they threw in?

PM5CM: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.

W.C: Maybe you should chase after the people who treat marinating like it’s a game instead of pretending you’ve got some secret knowledge the rest of us will never have. Meat is not a plaything.

PM5CM: I’m sorry. Please don’t hit me. I used to live in my car.

W.C: There’s so many ways that you could make the dish on the common man’s table a little better. Why waste it with false claims about what you can and can’t do? Why not just say you can marinade and leave it at that?

PM5CM: Maybe… maybe I’ll try that. Maybe.

W.C: Would you like a tissue?

PM5CM: Thank you. Can I call my mommy?

W.C: Of course you can. Thank you for coming. Incidentally, do you have any plans to get that pyjama guy some real clothes?

PM5CM: Not at this time.

Back to top