Everyone has dark side. A side that wants to live on pizza and french fries. The Pro-Form Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap will help remind you when you need to be healthy.

Night. My night. Dark like a cupcake enrobed in chocolate. It wraps about me like a lover made of velvet. The night, not the cupcake. You probably understood, I just wanted to be sure. I didn’t want people saying “oh, there’s that vampire that’s inside in a cupcake”.

Yes, vampire. Master of the night. And yet, trapped by my own hunger. Is any truly free who is trapped? That is why I carry a Pro-Form Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap beneath my cape.

When I must feed- oh, accursed be my thrice-damned soul! – I must be careful to only feed on those within the proper fitness index. The Pro-Form Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap allows me to choose healthy victims, allowing me to avoid the high cholesterol that can often plague vampires of my age. For in my thousands of years I have seen you humans slowly grow fat and unhealthy. Once you fled from me in terror. Now you can only sigh as you surrender, your little legs kicking in a helpless attempt to flip yourself, wriggling like a wretched, desperate turtle.

The night is around me like a rich sauce. A sauce that adds a thousand calories all by itself. A sauce that holds me like a warm, dark butter. So many would lick each drop of that sauce off the plate in order to share in my dark gifts. And I can only answer “What’s wrong with you, fatty? Vampires can’t eat carrots! Why aren’t there any thin vampire lovers? C’mon, help me out!”

If I wish to survive through my eternity, I have to stay in shape. That is why I have my own Pro-Form Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap. For I can cloud the minds of man to make then surrender to my embrace… but cannot stop them from eating all those cheeseburgers.

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