C’mon, you didn’t think we’d make you endure all those battery packs and then make the BOC sales fake, didja? Actually, that sounds exactly like something we’d do. But not today, friend. Not today. If you manage to get an order in, and we accept it, and you don’t do anything foolish like move house or die in the next few weeks, crap shall be yours. We haven’t figured out if that makes you one of the lucky ones or one of the unlucky ones.

If you missed out, play the Random Crap Home Game: have the lady at the dollar store blindfold you, spin you around, and sell you the first three things you stumble into. She’ll probably give you a bag, too.

EYES THISWISE, PLEASE, FOR THIS ADVISORY OF CRUCIAL IMPORT TO AMERICA’S FUTURE:

1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’LL GET ONE BAG WITH (up to) THREE CRAPS IN IT.

2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.

3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE.

All we’re promising is some kind of bag and some quantity of crap. Ancillary benefits may or may not include packing materials, packing labels, air, forum bragging rights, exotic insect pests hiding in the packing, and deep feelings of betrayal and regret.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS:

01. Thou shalt not expect thy crap to be especially nice. The only permissible exception: non-native English speakers who have recently learned to speak the language and may be unfamiliar with the word “crap”.

02. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours. Nothing personal, dirty. We say “random” and “random” we mean. It’s not our fault if the gods, in their wisdom, have deemed you inferior. Take it up with Zeus, Ra, Huitzilopochtli, or whoever.

03. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap. In fact, this is a good general rule for living.

04. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on our server. Our server’s taken just about enough abuse from you this past week. Don’t antagonize a machine that possesses your credit card number and a means to disseminate it to hundreds of thousands of people.

05. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, if you don’t get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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