Welcome, subjects, to another session in our ongoing exploration of the depths of the human psyche. This particular psychological experiment has been going on for about four years now, and just like those people who kept electro-shocking strangers just because a guy in a lab coat told them to, you have confirmed our worst fears about human nature.

Sadly for our souls (but happily for our pocketbooks), we have seen that all it takes to siphon hard-earned money from the 21st century consumer is a little bit of gimmickry, a little bit of mystery, a lot of artificial scarcity, and the occasional big TV. No matter how many times we tell you this garbage isn’t worth the garbage in your garbage can, no matter how emphatically we warn you that you’d be better off spending your money on used shoelaces or last week’s TV Guide, it doesn’t matter. Your verbal, logical brain is subverted by that Pavlovian GIMME STUFF instinct. Up you queue, credit cards in hand – and woe betide any person (or web server) that thwarts your primal crap-drive.

We try to maintain a certain scientific detachment toward this experiment, but frankly, you sicken us.

HEY CRAP-FOR-BRAINS, SEE IF YOU CAN WRAP YOUR TINY LITTLE MIND AROUND THIS:

1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’LL GET ONE BAG WITH (up to) THREE CRAPS IN IT.

2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.

3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE.

In return for your money, you’ll get some kind of bag and some quantity of crap. We promise nothing more than that. You should expect even less.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS:

01. Thou shalt not expect thy crap to be especially nice. The only possible exception: natives of Bizarro World.

02. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours. That’s life, them’s the breaks, you pays your money and you etc.

03. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap. Then take another, and another. If you’re lucky, it’ll be sold out by then.

04. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on our server. We don’t take kindly to bullies who pick on defenseless machines.

05. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, if you don’t get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

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