The Bulkster: Welcome back to American Glandulators! It’s time for Paul, our contestant, to test himself on the Ladder to Hell! If he can make it to the top, he’ll score eight crucial points, but our Glandulators will do their worst to make sure that doesn’t happen! Waiting for Paul on the ladder, we’ve got three of our toughest Glandulators: Razer, Copperhead, and Tempest!

Stingla Kabee: Paul, you never saw anything like this while you were installing fire alarms back in Rancho Boca, Arizona – are you up for for the challenge?

Paul: Bring it! Bring it! Awooh!

The Bulkster: Ready, Glandulators? Ready, contestant? And there’s the bell! Paul takes the first few rungs easily. You can tell he spends a lot of time on a ladder. Now here’s Razer, the precision assassin with the 2000dpi laser sensor. Let’s see if Paul can get past – whoa! A kick to the face sends Paul dangling from the ladder, but he’s still holding on. Take it from me, folks. That injury looks worse than it really is.

Stingla Kabee: That’s right. If the optic nerves are still intact, they’ll be able to pop Paul’s eye back in, good as new. Now, Razer kicks again, and Paul! Paul! Paul manages to grab Razer’s boot and send the Glandulator to the mat some forty feet below! One down, two to go!

The Bulkster: Great move! It reminds me of this time in Tampa, when the Iron Sheik and Ultimate Warrior -

Stingla Kabee: And now Paul has to get past Copperhead, the Glandulator who strikes fast with 1000Hz ultrapolling and a response time of 1ms. Think fast, Paul! And now – wait, what’s this?

Copperhead: Everybody? Everybody? Can I say something? Listen, I know this is weird timing, but I just figured out how stupid this whole thing is. I mean, just look at us. Excuse me, I’m climbing down. If I go back to school now, maybe I can finish that accounting degree by the time I’m thirty. Excuse me. Paul, was it? Thanks.

The Bulkster: Unbelievable! Copperhead falls victim to his own ennui! That would be one for the record books, if this was an actual sport that kept record books.

Stingla Kabee: That leaves just Tempest between Paul and the top of the Ladder to Hell. Tempest is always on, so don’t expect him to succumb to boredom like Copperhead. And those zero-acoustic Ultraslick Teflon feet will be hard for Paul to get ahold of the way he did with Razer. Our contestant will have to pull another trick out of his bag if he wants those eight points.

The Bulkster: Now, Tempest comes down the ladder to meet Paul – and there’s a punch to the throat! And another one to the groin! Now Tempest’s boxing Paul’s ears with Paul’s own hands!

Stingla Kabee: America has to wonder: Paul, why are you hitting yourself?

The Bulkster: It’s not looking good for Paul now. He can barely hang on under this pummeling assault!

Stingla Kabee: Wait – wait – what’s he doing? He got his hands free – it looks like Paul’s sticking his finger into his mouth, and – yes! Right into Tempest’s ear! The wet willie hits home and the Glandulator falls! Paul easily scales the remaining rungs of the Ladder to Hell!

The Bulkster: Sometimes you gotta fight hard, sometimes you gotta fight smart. It’s like I was telling Greg “The Hammer” Valentine -

Stingla Kabee: Anyway, here comes our victorious contestant. Paul, you showed us some real moves up there. How’d you do it?

Paul: Wuh, issuh lull had tuh talk becuh I gah hit i’ th throh, buh ah soo they put muh eye back i’ th soggid, ah be reey fuh maw ac- acsh- ac -

Stingla Kabee: Action?

Paul: Ri’.

Stingla Kabee: Now that’s a competitor! And he’s got eight points to show for it! Next up, we have -

The Bulkster: Stingla, Stingla, we’re getting word from up in the booth now. Looking at the video, it looks like Paul started up the ladder just a half-second before the bell. So the judges are going to have to void that event. No points for Paul this round.

Paul: Wuh? Wuh? No poin? I gah pusht in th’ throh! Lugga my eye! Iss hangih ow! Suh wudd if I lef erry? Iss nah a race!

Stingla Kabee: Tough break, Paul. It’s a game of inches. We’ll be right back with more American Glandulators!

Back to top