“Okay, Bob, if you’ll just have a seat, I’ve got the preliminary findings here.”

“Hope it’s nothing terminal, Doc! Ha ha! That’s just a little joke, I hope.”

“Well, Bob, that depends. First of all, I think I should be sure that you are aware… you’re a werewolf.”

“Aw, heck, Doc, I knew all that. My family was real open about it when I was younger. We had that pamphlet and everything.”

“Ah, yes, ‘Wet Nose, Warm Heart’. I remember that from school. Well, that’s good, Bob, I’m glad you already know all that. One thing we do still need, though, is your heart rate. If you’ll just let me use this Reebok Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap…”

“Doc… what… what are you doing!”

“Come now, Bob, the Reebok Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap is a fine way to find an accurate heart rate. You could even do it yourself and calculate calorie count or fat burn. And it mounts on your bike. You have a bike, don’t you, Bob?”

“Well, yes, I guess I have a bike… hey Doc, why do you seem so familiar?”

“Me, Bob? I don’t know. Here, let me attach this heart transmitter belt while I tell you the story of my daughter… and the day she went for a bike ride… under a full moon… IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD!!”

“Doc… NO!”

“YES, BOB! My daughter was just enjoying an evening out, and you lept from the bushes, making her swerve and fall, and then you grabbed her bike and ran… she had to walk the four blocks back to our apartment… six minutes of her life gone forever because you… you… INCONVENIENCED HER!”

“Doc… wait… please… I can’t control myself in wolf form… you gotta understand…”

“Oh, I understand, Bob! I understand that once this Reebok Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap it will monitor your transformation… the racing pulse… the growing claws… and before long you will be covered in the thick, dense hair that marks you as a creature forever apart from mankind… and look, Bob, look what it says on the instructions!”

“Avoid areas with dense chest hair? Doc… you can’t… you wouldn’t…”

“Wouldn’t I, Bob? Well, let’s just ask my daughter… oh, wait… we can’t… BECAUSE SHE’LL BE SIX MINUTES LATE FOR EVERYTHING FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE!”

“Doc, please… I never meant to… no… oh, no…. it… arrr, the transformation!”

“Excellent, Bob, Excellent! And now, perhaps you will understand what it means to have something ripped from you… as I pull off this Reebok Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor with Chest Strap… LIKE SO!”

AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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