The Saitek ST90 USB Collapsible Joystick is more than just a righteous person-shootifier; its four-position digital throttle, LED indicators, ergonomic grip handle, and rapid-fire triggers make it the ideal birthday present, even for people who died before computer games existed. To back up that unfounded, ridiculous assertion, and to prove to our probation officer that we’re not merely wigging out on PCP again, lets look at some famous and semi-famous people born today, March 19, and explain why they’d love one of these accursed things:

David Livingstone
Who?: The Dr. Livingstone, you presume
Born: March 19, 1813
Would love the Saitek ST90 because: Collapsible, for easy portage through the jungles of the Congo; striking futuristic design makes the ST90 desirable material for barter with native tribes; possibly could have helped dislodge the bowel obstruction that claimed his life, although not without some incidental discomfort.

Wyatt Earp
Who?: Gunslinging Old West gunslinger
Born: March 19, 1848
Would love the Saitek ST90 because: Rapid-fire trigger could have helped put that dirty fourflusher Ike Clanton into the cold, dusty grave he deserved.

Number 6
Who?: The leading dissident in the mysterious resort community/psychedelic prison known as “the Village”; actually not a number, but a man, as he’s fond of telling everyone.
Born: March 19, 1928
Would love the Saitek ST90 because: Blinking LED indicators could potentially disorient Village surveillance cameras; could be used to bluff Number 2 into believing he has a gun; precise, fluid joystick control symbolizes the sacred right of every individual to determine his or her own course in life.

Philip Roth
Who?: Pulitzer Prize-winning author of Portnoy’s Complaint and American Pastoral
Born: March 19, 1933
Would love the Saitek ST90 because: Joystick’s upright, phallic profile reflects the hypersexualized neuroses of aging Jewish intellectuals; also, we hear he plays a lot of NASCAR 2004.

Vivian Hsu
Who?: Unsettlingly Lolita-esque Taiwanese pop singer and (ahem) “model”
Born: March 19, 1975
Would love the Saitek ST90 because: Google some of her photos, then you tell us.

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