Hard to believe that a computer so powerful can still be light enough to carry around in your teeth.

Please, Jiffy. Please. Just be still while the nice lady gives you a bath and I’ll get you your own Samsung laptop. That’s right. You smell so awful I’m willing to bribe you with a sleek, compact, potent notebook PC if it means some relief from the stench. See? It’s got a 14” HD LED, with edge-to-edge glass, just like pugs like. Be still now? Be still?

Oh, looks like my offer’s not good enough. I guess that Core i5-480M 2.66GHz processor and 4GB DDR3 memory aren’t sufficient to power all those intensive dog-related applications that you use. Yeah, you must need more than a 640GB hard drive to hold all those dog videos and songs you’ve downloaded, right? Come on, who are you trying to kid? I know for a fact that you were suspended from that torrent tracker for having a low ratio. Don’t try to fool your evolutionary superior.

No bite! No bite! OK, what if I throw in integrated 802.11n WiMAX wireless, and Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit? You like that? You like that? Yeah, who’s a good dog? There’s my good girl. There’s my good girl.

Of course, I don’t know if you can really call it “good” when you’re only behaving to get a free laptop. But there’s no point in drawing you into some sophisticated ethical debate. I’d demolish you, and anyway let’s just focus on this bath thing right now. Who’s a good dog?

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