We’ve heard a million excuses from a million losers explaining why they never achieved their goals. We’re sick of it! You have to make your own dreams come true; no one else can do it for you. You have to make things happen in your life. Waiting for fortune to find you? That’s just waiting to die. If you’re afraid to fail, you’re afraid to live. How will you know what you can do if you don’t try?

What’s your dream? To be the dopest MC ever to rock a mic? Great! And what are you doing to make it a reality?

Nothing? Come on, man—do you want to live with this regret forever? Do you want it to be the last thing that lingers in your mind as you fade away on your deathbed? It’ll be too late to drop science and kick knowledge then.

So let’s take a good look at these so-called “reasons” you stay in your safe, secure, unfulfilling white-collar job instead of spitting sick rhymes.

01. “I utterly lack any natural sense of rhythm whatsoever.”

Alright, that may actually be kind of a setback. Do you think it might help to tap your foot along to the backing tracks? No? Hmn.

02. “I have a severe oral motor impediment that prevents anyone from understanding me except my full-time speech pathologist.”

Wow, that’s another toughie.

03. “I suffer from crippling stage fright which manifests itself in uncontrollable gastrointestinal spasms creating constant nervous flatulence whenever I’m in front of an audience.”

OK, have you ever had any other dreams, besides being the illest MC? Maybe something like… moderating the illest online forum? Or keeping the illest lighthouse?

04. “Every single one of my arrhythmic, unintelligible rhymes is an argument in favor of teaching creation science in public schools, a viewpoint which I am 100% dedicated to promoting through rap.”

Yeah, OK, uh… Surely there’s a market for… uh… you know, different strokes for different… yeesh.

05. “I don’t own a microphone.”

Aha! See! A dynamic wireless microphone is available on Woot right now as we speak! It’s got a serviceably wide frequency response, a built-in digital processor, and it comes with a 15-foot cable—XLR at one end, quarter-inch at the other! You could buy it at this very moment and take the first steps toward bringing your dream to life!

Just, uh… when you do? Maybe don’t tell anyone at open mic night that it was us who encouraged you, OK?

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