Now be honest. Do you think this makes my lethargy look big?

Maybe you didn’t hear me correctly, Paul. This is a clinical sleep study I’m interviewing for, got it? They’re going to give me cash money to sleep in front of them! I can’t just walk in there with some wearable blanket on like it’s Amateur Hour. There’s going to be tons of other guys looking to get some of that sweet pillow pay, buddy, so I gotta make sure they see just how dedicated I am to being as lazy and slothful as I can possibly be.

That’s where this Dreamie Ivory Sateen thing comes in. The moment I scoot through their doors in this big ole passiveness pouch, those eggheads are going to flip. “Yes, sir, Mr. Clinician,” I’ll say, “it is indeed a top sheet, bottom sheet, AND handy pillow pocket in one gorgeous ivory machine-washable Poly-Sateen package. I do all my best resting in this Dreamie, whether at home on the couch, in an airplane, at a hotel, or even in the car.” By the time I show them the included travel bag that holds the second Dreamie I got in my 2-pack, they’ll have already reserved the nicest room in the hospital just for me. That’s the plan, anyway.

I’m telling you, Paul, if this works out for me, it’s going to be nothing but hot nurses, free Jell-O, and stacks of greenbacks for me, all for doing the same thing I’ve been doing on your couch these last few weeks. And to think your wife called me a “good-for-nothing lay about” this morning. Little did she know I was training for the biggest opportunity of my life, huh?

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