No one ever says they’re thankful for holiday stress on Thanksgiving.

You’d think an entire three days before The Great Turkey-ening would be enough to get you motivated to make the perfect pie for holiday dinner with friends and family, but NOOOOOoooooo. There’s just so much other stuff to do, you know? Like holding the couch down with your body, for instance, wishing your Xbox Live friends “Season’s Fraggings” in Call of Duty, or staring out the window in silence while wallowing in a nice autumnal malaise. Who has time for pie making when there is so much holiday loafing to do?

Don’t worry, friends. We’ve got you covered.

STEP 1: GO BUY A PIE

It’s Thanksgiving, y’all. Even the gas stations have got a stack of pumpkin or fruit pies just BEGGING for purchase. You barely have to crawl out of your pajama pants to find one. Sure, the better quality pies are at those fancy “bakery” places that may frown on you waltzing in unwashed with your dirty bathrobe on, but do you really want to go through that kind of hassle? Jerry down at the Drive-More Convenience Store won’t judge you AND he’s got beef jerky right there at the counter! BONUS.

STEP 2: CONTINUE LOAFING

The above step will cost you 15 minutes, maybe even an hour of your time TOPS, leaving you with at least two full days of nothing to do but catch up on your soap operas on your Toshiba 26” 720p LCD HDTV with Built-in DVD Player. Perfect for smaller spaces and featuring an ATSC/NTSC/QAM digital tuner and plenty of inputs for gaming, you can watch all the cheesy happenings of General Days Of Our World As It Turns knowing you're well prepared for dinner on Thursday. And don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back for buying one with a DVD player built-in. After all, who wants to go through the trouble of setting up two things when you only have to set up one? Not you, lazy bones!

STEP 3: FAKING IT

Take the pie out of its packaging and place it in another plate. Wrap that plate with tin foil or cling wrap and voila! An instant winner for the dessert your family can barely eat after dinner anyway! You may get a few knowing looks of disapproval from mom or grandma, but they’ll never actually call you out on it. After several decades of slackery and rudderless direction, it’s what they’ll already expect from you. Hooray for never actually exceeding your family’s expectations, huh? HIGH HOLIDAY FIVE!

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